We've always coloured outside the lines … or well, it depends how you look at it. Normal is merely the accepted norm … but not necessarily the right path for you.
Bye-bye good job, hello stay-at-home mum!
Fairly soon after Daany and I got married, while we were in the middle of a renovation and hadn't been working for that long, I fell pregnant. Although it was unplanned, we both thought it was wonderful. The renovations shifted up a gear and, with trembling hands, I did what we had always intended to do and quit my job to look after our baby.
I had a good job, a lot of freedom and a decent salary. Although my contract ended halfway through my pregnancy, I had been told straight away that I could rest easy; there would be work for me. Needless to say, a lot of people called me mad.
We did our sums, drew up a budget and swam firmly against the current.
Although things weren't always easy financially, we never went without. A renovated little house, a budget for the occasional trip, and a baby who could stay quietly at home with me. That turned out to be a blessing, too, because Aurélie was a real colicky baby and spent roughly 8 months living in a sling on me.
Our budget was enough, but to have just a little more freedom I also did the ironing for 3 other families.
Fun fact: I hardly ever iron my own clothes.
Buy? Renovate? Build?
When Aurélie was two, we were in a somewhat better position financially. Daniel had a new job and even a company car. Hooray for no expensive car costs!
Although we were doing well, it was time once again to knock people off their feet with a new plan.
We had been looking for a house to renovate for a while. We may have had our own apartment, but the location and the lack of a garden were starting to weigh on us. After viewing a number of houses that were each missing something, I floated an idea past Daniel …
When we first met, we often talked about the dreams we had, and Daniel's had always been 'building a house myself'. Not 'managing a build', but really building it himself.
I didn't need much persuasion. I can even still remember the exact moment I said it to him. We were sitting together on the sofa and he was listing everything that was wrong with the last house we had viewed.
When I said: "So why don't you build a house yourself?" his whole face lit up. A month later we had rough sketches and a first appointment with the architect.
After another 2 months we had sold our apartment and signed the purchase agreement for the building plot.
To keep costs down a bit, we bought a static caravan and lived in my parents' garden for 2 years. Hello VANLIFE!
Two crazy years later, which Daniel would often say he never understood how he got through, we moved into our house. In the end, two months later our Ellis was born. Picture perfect!
The soul-destroying 'perfect picture'
To the outside world we had everything. Two wonderful children, a lovely house, the financial freedom to go on holiday regularly and do fun things. Daan went to work and in the evening his dinner was waiting for him.
But that straitjacket of a life didn't make us happy. Daany isn't really a people person, and the combination of his work (which he loves) with meetings and the gentle pressure to 'move up' was exhausting for him. When he came home after a day's work he was tired and burnt out. I needed companionship and a friend, but mostly had to tiptoe around him.
We were actually living in a kind of stress that ran from Monday evening to Saturday lunchtime. That was hard, but especially as an HSP the stress of someone who is tired and irritated themselves hits you twice as hard. In the end it floors you.
The result was that we both burnt out, were angry and irritated, and had no reserves left. Home was no longer a nice place to be.
Some couples might conclude that it was their relationship that had run its course and that happiness no longer lay with each other. But we had made a promise, we had a lovely family and good moments too. Enough to go looking for that happiness again.
The turnaround!
Together we looked for a solution … and it was simply to find that 'reserve' again.
Although Daniel enjoyed his work, he hated anything that remotely resembled administration or involved ambition. Quite simply, not everyone is cut out for that.
Systematically we filtered out all the pressure, professional and private; Daniel took a lot more time off and eventually went partly remote. With every 'letting go' we felt more happiness coming back.
Although D was already working remotely and we had also created more room for rest, we still felt that more was needed. So that was the first summer that Daniel tried out a workcation.
That was it, completely. It was the moment we built our website, baked bread outdoors at sunset and, for the first time in a long while, were truly and completely happy again. It was also the summer we built up our reserves again. Busyness and appointments were no longer a problem.
I can honestly say that life was pretty much perfect.
The big C!
Less than six months after that first workcation, there was talk of the killer virus from China, lockdowns and quarantines. And voilà, three months later that first lockdown was a fact.
Although we missed our family, that period was a wonderful time. We went for walks, ate outdoors on sunny days and often doubled up laughing.
Our eldest daughter had already started home schooling 3 months before the lockdown, so no adjustments there either.
For the youngest it was harder; she missed her friends and quietly blending into the group.
But all the personal attention, and above all the calm, benefited her education too.
A new life
Those changes didn't always go smoothly, nor without effort, but they were necessary to make us happy. And that taught us that being happy isn't something that just happens to you, but something you have to actively work on.
I know that not everyone is made unhappy by the rat race of family-house-school-office, but for those who are: life is too short to be unhappy. Look for the moments that DO make you happy and build a life around them.
We stepped out of the rat race and haven't regretted it for a moment. Although Daany is still the 'main breadwinner', we now both work and are trying to build something, but at our own pace.
Our choices no longer drain us; they give us more energy. And more energy always means more happiness. Because in the end, being happy is all that matters.
